Thirteen Years Later.....

And this is why you don’t get in a car angry and drive off mad. If this post is too hard for viewing, please keep scrolling. Nine years old and his life here on earth was done. Nothing ever hurt more than losing Carter that day. Nothing will ever hurt more than this. No physical pain, no hard times in life, no injuries or illnesses, no stress or financial difficulties, nothing. Nothing ever compared to losing Carter. The loss of him goes deep; very deep. A bond he and I had, like no other. This has molded and shaped us very differently. Anxiety, depression, all escalated and is a continued battle as we get older. Learning to live with and manage through panic attacks and PTSD. It’s a good thing I have a pretty good sense of humor and can laugh when others are judging that I’m such a helicopter mom. I know that I am. There is a level of anxiety that some may never understand, thankfully. It’s OK. I know how this has changed me. This is what trauma looks like. And we now have some beautiful art work on our bodies in memory of Carter that the physical pain could mask our emotional pain for just a short time. And the One thing that didn’t change. The Rock that held us all together. The One who gave us strength every day to just breathe. Who was with us before, during the crash, and faithfully held us in His hands for more than a decade now, was and is our God. He continues to show his faithfulness over the years. I’ve come to love TobyMac’s song that he wrote after losing his first-born son, which is a testament of God’s Faithfulness.

”Life was so good
I'm not so sure we knew what we had
I'll never be the same man
I'll never feel like I felt before

But when my world broke into pieces

You were there faithfully

When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

 I've had a hard time

Findin' the blue in the skies above me
And if I'm keepin' it real
I've been half-faking the happy they see
I may look like the same man
But I'm half the man I was

In my darkest hour, You met me

So quietly, so gently
You said you'd never leave
And You stood by Your word
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word” ~TobyMac

Twelve Years later....

 Throwing some pictures of Carter out there as we remember him today and always. Twelve years ago today Carter became Forever 9 in my heart and in my soul, as he was taken from us way too soon. A journey no parent should ever experience. A brutal road that we walk and the amount of energy it takes to push through a day when we are grieving. Our hard days are a depth of hard that is indescribable. And just how quickly those joyful moments can be swiped from us when we remember what happened. I'm thankful for our family and friends that make the hard days, not so hard. I'm thankful for my family that has filled my life with so much joy. And God has been beyond faithful to us. Always focusing my thoughts on what is good. I have so much to be thankful for in this broken world. I will forever choose to trust God in the road he has us on and be thankful for His faithfulness. Just thinking of Carter puts a smile on my face. His smile, silly behavior and giggles was contagious. He brought so much happiness and positive energy to my world. There was never a dull moment with Carter around. I love that kid and miss him deeply.

Forever 9 Carter Mike

7/27/01-11/16/10

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TWENTY-ONE

Twenty-one. He’d be 21 years old. For years after you lose a child, you are so numb. You are lost and confused, trying to move on, trying to be happy, trying to be OK with it and the way life is. You are trying so hard to enjoy life once again while every piece of you is not.  Just trying to do the day-by-day and survive without your child is emotionally & physically exhausting. When it becomes several years, the grieving and darkness set in. Seasonal depression becomes longer and harder. The emptiness, loss and heaviness of it all are very real and you realize exactly what happened because you are no longer numb. You are aware of everything, and you are trying to find a new normal, which you don’t want a new normal. And everything around you is a memory of your child. The years go by and before you know it your child would have been 21 years old. And you wonder, how could this be? This horrific thing just happened to me. But it didn’t. It was 12 years ago. And it hits hard for how long it’s been. And then you wonder, how did I do this for so long? And the youngest sibling in the family is also grown up. But I still see them as my little boys. I see them as a 9 year old and 5 year old. And the longing to just go back. To just go back for one day. To see them together. To hold the both of them like I used to. To have them both on my lap, my naughty, stinky, giggly little boys. To have one day with them again at 9 and 5. To just hear their laughter. And such a dream to let them grow up together, which never happened.  The loss gets overwhelming, the sadness get overwhelming and the grief is overwhelming.

I do trust and I do believe that I will see him again. Because we have a God that loves us more than we could ever imagine. And to think someone could love Carter more than me? Impossible. But He does. And that’s my comfort in this broken world.

Happy Heavenly 20th Birthday Carter!

 

Happy Heavenly Birthday to Carter today! He would have been celebrating his 20^th birthday. One of the hardest things to think about after missing eleven birthdays with Carter is not knowing what he would look like at 20. I try to imagine, but I still see him at 9. Can you imagine Carter at 20? Do you think he’d still have the Klimek look? Or look more like his dad and brother? I sure do miss him. I’m so sad I didn’t get to see him grow up. That I didn’t get to do life with him and celebrate his birthdays.

Lord, we need You. Help us to concentrate on the eternal rather than the temporal. “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.” 1 Peter 1:6

 Photo: Cub Scout Camp 2010. I think he looks like his cousins, Austin & Andrew. He absolutely loved the outdoors.

A Decade Ago that Feels like Yesterday

 10 years ago today the unthinkable happened. An entire decade ago, Carter's life was cut short due to an erratic driver on the way to school. One very normal school morning of getting ready, hopping in the car, talking and singing in the car, to the most horrific thing we have ever experienced - Carter's life was taken from us. And it still feels like it happened yesterday. Our family completely shattered, still trying to pick-up the pieces to this day. I never thought I would be here 10 years later. I thought for sure God would have taken me too, because He knows I can't live without Carter. I thought, perhaps, that was His plan and that was why Carter was taken too soon. 10 years later, I feel caught. I'm caught between the longing of going to my Heavenly home to be with Carter. And my world here of raising my children. I am no longer afraid of death. I long for the day to be where Carter is. The only thing that remains after such brokenness is God's truth. Everything else can be wiped from us, but God's truth stands tall and strong in comfort and hope. God's love is the cure for the brokenness in my life. Everything else around me is constantly changing, but not God. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. And that is where I place my hope and my life. Without it, I have no hope, no future, and nothing to look forward to. I have nothing.

Please remember Carter today. He was the most adventurous, creative, imaginative, fun-filled, silly boy who had the biggest smile ever. He had a heart for Jesus, always reminding us that God is #1. He loved his family like crazy, his dog Toby like no other, and was super-protective of his little brother

Bradley Dorwin

, (who is not so little anymore). Anyone that knew Carter, knows there was never a dull moment. He loved life to the fullest. We sure do miss him. A piece to our family is gone without him.

"Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sin! But he was pierced for our rebellion. crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." Isaiah 53:4-5

Until we meet again, little buddy, mom will never stop missing you.

Happy Heavenly 19th Birthday Carter

Shouting out a "Happy Heavenly Birthday" to our Carter today, who would have been 19 years old. I can't even believe it...he would have been 19 today. And yet Forever 9 in our hearts. We've missed ten birthdays with him. Ten. The hardest thing I've ever done is to live every day since he died. I will always miss my son. May we know God's eternal comfort and peace in all things and in all ways. I will forever walk by faith, not by sight. "For we live by believing and not by seeing" 2 Corinthians 5:7

We miss you, Carter Mike, and miss celebrating July 27th with you every year.

Heavenly 18th Birthday

My boy would have been a man today as he should have been turning 18 years old. His 18th birthday today. Instead Carter is Forever 9. We are sad we didn't get to see him grow up. No matter how many years go by, there never feels like a "right" way to celebrate Carter's birthday without him. It feels wrong on every level. I rack my brain every year trying to figure out what to do to celebrate his life, the love we have for him, all while mourning his loss. We want to honor Carter's life, in some little way. It's a journey I wish no parent would have to experience. Trying to celebrate while grieving. My heart is with everyone who is grieving for their child.

We will remember - God is with us and for us. Without Him, we would have nothing to look forward to. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" Revelation 21:4

Happy 18th birthday little buddy. We miss you terribly.

Happy 17th birthday to my Forever 9 year old. Still trying to figure out how to live life without him. One horrific morning that changed our lives forever. Every birthday is the marking of another year without Carter. Grief doesn’t go away. It becomes a part of you. It’s a constant balance of grief in one hand and a happy life in the other.

We rise up with God. We allow Him to carry us through and believe in something greater than our own understanding. We will hold fast to faith because we know that He is good in all things....in joy and sorrow.

Remember to speak his name to us. We want to hear it. We want to remember with you.

“The hardest thing I ever had to hear was that my child died. The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do is to live everyday since that moment”

For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

November 16, 2017

November 16, 2017- Seven years without Carter

Today I can just be me…..sad, broken and lonely without my son. I don’t have to put on a front and hold it all together today. I don’t have to do life and push aside the pain that tears me apart inside. I can just be me with an overwhelming sadness and pain of losing Carter. I can let go of the uncomfortable feel and awkwardness of walking this journey, knowing what happened, what we saw, and what’s behind the smile on our faces. I don’t have to hide it today, and that’s okay. Few know the anxiety that now envelopes my life each day and the terror that overcomes me of my living children. The numerous nights each week that I wake up during the night, hit in the face with the reminder of what happened and reliving it over and over again.

After seven years, even our “good” days are still harder than you can imagine. A grief that lasts a lifetime – the missing of a child that you so badly want to hold…..just one more time. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to speak about Carter just as normally and naturally as I speak of Bradley and Zsolt.

Though I will grieve the death of Carter forever, I will cherish life. I now live and love deeper. Because I grieve, I know joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. I bonded with people that I didn’t even know, but we share a common bond of surviving life without our child.

I don’t remember a time when I’ve gotten mad at God, but I have questioned Him many times, trying to make sense of the why’s and asking, “why me, why us, why Carter?” I know we’ll never have those answers, but I am so very thankful for God giving us 9 years with Carter. I know God only gives us our children for a period of time and then takes them back. I know its God’s will and not ours. But He is the One who comforts and His word is our life preserver. God surrounds us with His love and keeps us a float no matter the storm in our life. I chose to do life with God. I believe in Him, in Heaven, and believe that Carter lives with Him. If I didn’t, I would have a long, hard life without any hope. It’s a life of living by faith and not by sight. So please, God, use my pain for Your glory.

“For we live by faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7

Happy 16th Heavenly Birthday, Carter

No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape this day or the pain of loss. The last birthday we celebrated with Carter was his 9th birthday. Like we say, Carter is "Forever 9". He would now be 16. We imagine he would most likely be going for his license today. We see kids the same age going through this - the pain hits hard. I feel like it should be us going through this. I miss being able to go thro...ugh life with Carter and am deeply saddened. The loss of our son is great.

I am reminded in my Daily Devotion that God loves Carter more than we do. It doesn't even seem possible that someone could love Carter more than us. But it's true. Walking in faith and believing this helps us to trust Him in whatever happens. We walk toward the promise that God is good, even when the circumstances are unclear. I choose God as the Ruler of my life as I walk this broken road.

O God, You know my fears and worries. Help me remember Your faithfulness and not be afraid.
Christ is our only security in a changing world. Whatever may happen in this world, Christ remains forever changeless. (Hebrews 1:11-12)

HAPPY 16TH HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY CARTER! Love you sweet boy!

I will never recover from my loss and will never get over missing Carter, but I still cherish life!

God, help me not miss You today

Sometimes we hold so tightly to the past that we miss the new things God wants to show us.

Great faith in God

"As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me." Micah 7:7

A blessed place of usefulness

"Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life."  Ecclesiastes 7:14

~When life seems uncertain and uncontrollable, don't despair - God is in control and will bring good results out of your struggles.

Lord, help me bear my burdens with joy. And refine my faith so I am useful in Your kingdom. In Jesus' name, amen.

Six years ago today...

1. Six years ago today…..
   …was like any other school morning. The boys and I were on our way to school. I had FCCLA students ready to go on our field trip to Madison that morning. I had a little boy who did not want to get out of bed, like all the other mornings. To think how different our lives would have been if I had let him sleep for just five more minutes. On our way to school, we talked about our day and I reminded Carter that he had wrestling registration after sch...ool.
   

   I could see him coming….I could. I knew it was not good and I did not know what to do. He was coming at us so fast; faster than what I could process and think what to do. It happened so fast. I got over as far as I could get off the road. Last words that morning in the car, “Oh, dear God!”
   “What’s wrong, Mom?”, were the last words I heard from my son.
   All of our family dreams.…..shattered. Done. In the blink of an eye. Not only did Carter’s life end that morning, but so did ours’. A little brother who saw images of his older brother that no child should ever see….that no one should ever see.
   Flat on my face….Oh Lord, please pick up the shattered pieces of my heart – I cannot do this alone.
   As someone told me at Carter’s funeral, “Life goes on….” Yes, it sure does, but it is a life full of suffering, pain and just plain survival. And, yet, God calls us to do it. And each one of us had to find our own peace with it. Bradley spent about two years being angry. I wish there was a good way to explain death to a five-year-old. A mom who internally struggles every day that she could not protect her son. A dad who struggles internally every day that he could not protect his family. A family that lives without this precious boy. This is how life goes on. One day at a time.
   Thankfully, we are not alone. Without God, there would be nothing. No reason to live. We know differently. Our God has been with us through it all. We’ve seen Him slowly and gently picking up the pieces of our shattered lives. There’s a different kind of strength you find after you’ve survived something terrible. Even in our darkest times, the hope of Christ shines brighter. When we are weak, He is our strong comfort. When we are exhausted, He is our strength.
   “Hear my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping.” Psalm 39:12

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Happy Heavenly Birthday, Carter - 15 years!

My greatest blessing in life is becoming a mother. Fifteen years ago today, I was given the greatest blessing in my life - I became a mother. Our sweet Carter "Mike" entered into our world. This little guy rocked my world! I loved him to pieces. I love my kids so much its hard to live without one of them.

It's hard not to think about the things I should be doing - buying balloons, baking a cake, wrapping presents....

Birthdays are birthdays, and anniversaries are anniversaries. They are tough. There is no opting out no matter how hard you try. You can avoid the day as much as possible, but it is still going to come. I am sad today to be a bereaved mother.

Carter's life was cut way too short - at the age of nine....but his love lives on forever. And ever. And his love for Jesus touched the lives of so many!

There will never come a time where I won't think about who my son would be, what he would look like and how he would be. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and love Carter with all my heart and soul. I know he is safe in Jesus' arms and that brings me great comfort, but at the same time, we are hurting. There are no words to express the love of a child and the pain of losing one!

I am thankful God will be my strength today...and always. I am thankful God will hold me and carry me through this day and the days to come; as the pain we suffer is a pain for a lifetime.

I will stay close to God's promises, keep them close to my heart, and remind myself that He has good plans for our family. God is good and He has shown His faithfulness to us over and over again. I will find peace and comfort from Him and be thankful for Carter's life - for he was the most amazing kid ever! I am grateful the Lord saw fit to allow me to be Carter's mom. He has truly enriched my life.

Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet boy! Love you....miss you....can't wait to see you!!!

"For we walk by faith, not be sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7