Speaking to our hearts....

"God wants to turn your greatest sorrow into your life's greatest message."

~Rick Warren's first message since losing his son~

"God is our Greatest role model....having lost His own son."

 

 

 

Rick & Kay Warrens' sermon available here:

http://bit.ly/HnE6ib

 

 

Thank you, Heather, for sharing this information with us!!  You are an amazing Christ-filled family!!  We love you!!

 

 

Happy 12th Birthday, Carter!

We come this morning – like empty pitchers to a full fountain, with no merits of our own, O Lord – open up a window of heaven… and listen this morning. 
~James Weldon Johnson

 

 

 The anticipation of Carter’s birthday and his Heaven date is hard.  Tomorrow would be Carter’s 12^th birthday.  I feel like I should be having a party to “celebrate” Carter’s life – honoring his memory.  Some days I feel like I could do it - put on a party with our family and our Brothers & Sisters in Christ to celebrate Carter’s life here on earth, and keep his memories alive.  Then, as the days lead up to the actual day, they become more and more difficult.  I guess I am not ready to put on a party.  Some day, though, I would like to think that I could do it.

 

There are grief triggers everywhere this time of year, leading up to the beautiful season of Fall…..into November.  They are impossible to avoid.  Summer vacation, the fireworks, the hot sunny days, the beach, the swimming pools, the bike rides, the many walks with Toby, the picnics, etc., etc.  Then, the hopeful celebration of Carter’s birthday comes, followed by his Heaven anniversary date.

 

Everything is different.  Most of life since the accident, seemed like I was just taking the steps needed to get through the day and give Bradley a normal, a normal as possible, life.  No more of my boys at the beach, swimming at the swimming pool, packing lunches for picnics, attending family gatherings…..no more of Carter reading to Bradley, staying up late together, movie nights, planning birthday parties, boys giggling, boys getting into trouble, boys fighting with each other….  Only new experiences together as bereaved parents and sibling.  A new location, new people, new restaurants, new experiences – all without Carter.  Many fewer friends.  Lots and lots of tears – and overwhelming feelings of guilt, isolation, and loneliness.

 

“O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you.  Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.”  Isaiah 33:2

 

Summer vacation has changed greatly for us.  A time that we once enjoyed very much, we now find ourselves picking and choosing the events that we can do with Bradley, alone.  We find ourselves avoiding some of the activities that we once loved to do with our boys.  You see, Bradley is not as “independent” as Carter was.  Carter could get up and go - and do just about anything and enjoy the things God has given us.  Carter could enjoy the day whether he was with us, with friends, or just hanging out by himself.  It must be the first child thing of learning to be content when you are by yourself.  He was an only child for 4 ½ years and only knew life as an only child….that is, until his brother came along.  Bradley, on the other hand, only knew life with his big brother and was constantly entertained by him.  Bradley enjoyed hanging out with Carter, and Carter’s friends, and enjoyed the fun life of a boy!  Bradley doesn’t enjoy, as much, hanging out with his mom, like Carter did.

 

So, now swimming in the summer doesn’t happen as often, as it once did.  If we go swimming, I have to prepare myself to be Bradley’s swimming buddy in the pool.  Or we have to make sure that we have a friend or a cousin to go with us. 

 

Going to the beach was another fun summer event that has changed greatly for us.  It was a time when I could be in the warm, cozy sand and watch my boys build sand castles, collect sea shells and other treasures, and swim with their cute little goggles on.  I remember sitting in the sun, watching them play, Carter guiding Bradley all along the way – myself, repeatedly looking up to the sky, closing my eyes and praising God for my precious blessings.  It is now something that we rarely do.  That is, unless we are with friends or cousins to do it with. 

 

This summer marks the first summer that we went to a Fair since we took the boys to the Walworth County Fair.  I dreaded going, but I felt it was a good thing for Bradley, as I knew he would like it; and he had a buddy with him that day.  To my surprise, Bradley recalled almost every little detail of the very last trip we took to the Fair with Carter.  The rides, the food, the games – all triggered his memory, and he shared with me all that he remembered.  This was such a blessing to me!  To be able to hear his sweet memories of him and Carter, that I found myself at peace with just stepping foot at a Fair again.  Thank You, Jesus, for building me up and giving me the courage to take Bradley back to a Fair.  He had so much fun.

 

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

 

Going to fireworks on this 4^th of July was another step forward with God.  Our last outing of a late-night fireworks display was on our friends’ pontoon, out on the lake, with our boys and our good friends.  It was, once again, too different and too difficult going without Carter.  But, there we were, with Bradley blessing our hearts with his memories of him and Carter, and their last fireworks display together. 

 

Yes, summer is very different for us.  Awkward is another word to describe how it feels to go to different activities without my boys together.  For a younger brother who, at one time, couldn’t wait for his big brother to get home from a birthday party or from a friend’s house, has had to learn to be “content” with how life is without his brother.  He misses him terribly.  It is truly amazing the strength that God gives him.  It is truly amazing the people that God has brought into Bradley’s life.  We see joy in his heart again, he laughs and he gets excited to do things.  For a long time, Bradley did not want to leave the house because Carter was not with us.  We see God all around us and He continues to be faithful in our life.

 

Everyone told us that we would have a “new normal” life after Carter’s death.  I will be honest; I hated hearing those words……new normal.  I didn’t want a new normal – I wanted our life to be just as it was, with our family together and not broken.  I never wanted to say that our lives have accepted the new normal.  As time went on, as much as I didn’t want to accept the “new normal”, we had no other choice but to.  I don’t think I will ever call it the new normal, but we have accepted the plans that God has for us.  We have accepted to support and love Bradley through his pain.  We have accepted to leaving our house with one child and adapting to this as our family now.  We have not accepted it without pain, without tears, without suffering; but we have allowed ourselves to say, “okay”, to God and submit our lives to Him and His sovereignty that rules over all.  I don’t like to think that we are living in the new normal, but I guess I don’t know how else to explain our lives.  Through God, we have changed, transformed, accepted and continually adapt to our lives on a day to day basis.

 

In one of the books that I read on ‘grieving the loss of a child’, it talked about how we feel when troubles come our way.  The author explained our thoughts and how we think, “I don’t deserve this!”  But what would our life be like if we did get what we really deserved?  What would our life be like if it were not for the grace of God, for his mercy????  When we understand this, we see God’s love expressed in His grace and mercy to us.  We stand amazed at His love.  In the midst of our suffering, we’ve come to seek God in our complete brokenness.  For us, there is no comfort to be found away from God – only the truth of God’s Word.  We are called to submit to God’s plan – to trust Him in our sorrow and difficulty and disappointment.  Submission, to me, has meant a quiet, humbling, sorrowful acceptance of God’s plan and His timing.  This, too, has changed the way I view life, what really is important in this life, my purpose here, how I want to live out the remaining time that I have, to let go of my own desires, and to humble myself to God’s calling.  We have had to give up the plans we had for Carter, for our family, for my life and give them all to God.  This is something that I submit to every day – it hasn’t gotten easier.  This is a daily submission for me, to let go of my dreams and my desires, as I see other boys the age Carter would have been.  As we seek to find God in the midst of our pain, the message is always the same – Jesus.  Jesus is coming!  Don’t be afraid as we face the future.

 

“I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.  Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!”  Psalm 116:1-2

 

Carter would be turning 12 years old on July 27, 2013.  Why does this year, this age, seem so hard?  I love to think of my boys at the age of 12 and 7 ½ .  Our plans for our boys had been very different than our current situation.  Bradley is now old enough to do some of things that we once talked about doing with the boys.  But we were waiting, a little while longer for Bradley to get older.  As I think about Carter turning 12, I miss him terribly.  I miss him with all my heart and all my soul.  It makes me sad that I can’t see Carter grow up.  I think about him in everything that we do – he is not with us anymore – and I still look for him at times.  But God does know how I feel. He lost His son, too.  And He shows me every day how much He loves me and how much He loves Carter.  He shows me how much He loves our family.  I see Him as I read the Bible, as I pray, in nature, and the people that He brings in my life.  God’s arms are around me.  I could not do this without God.  I could not do this without knowing His Words and Promises for us.  I could not do this without a relationship with Jesus.  I could not do this without knowing the life of Jesus – our suffering Savior.  I can’t imagine my life without Jesus.  He suffered for me.  He suffered for Carter.  He is my Redeemer.  My prayer is that God will take the pieces of my broken life and make something beautiful out of them.  This is my hope.  I want to live my life to glorify Him.
 

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” 
Lamentations 3:22-23

 

Happy 12^th Birthday, Carter!  I love you and I miss you so much.  I am so thankful for your life and for the person you are.  You have an amazing heart and we had an amazing bond.  I can’t wait to have it again with you!  God helps me to accept that we will never share the life I dreamed of.  But God also shows me that you are very much alive with Him, and still very much a part of me.  We had an incredible bond to break, and I hope that you can still feel how deep my love is for you.  I pray that you are celebrating your birthday in Heaven.  I so look forward to the day when I can celebrate it with you again.  I love you sweet boy!

 

“Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy.  May your Kingdom come soon.  May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.”  Matthew 6:9-10

 

~Jesus, we will take up our cross and follow You….

 

 

 

Click on the link to listen to, "Lord, I need You", by Matt Maher:

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU39CcnBBBs

 

 

Click on the link to view a Smilebox Scrapbook:

 

http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a63304e5441314e54493d0d0a&blogview=true

 

Thinking of Carter...

View the link to a Smilebox slideshow....

 

 

 

http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a63304e4463784d54413d0d0a&blogview=true

 

 

 

Carter Dorwin 2001-2010

It's been two years and eight months, today, since we last saw our sweet boy, Carter.  Two years and eight months since we last held him, told him that we love him, and ran our fingers through his thick, soft hair.  Carter was and will always be my baby.  My first son.  Our first child that made me a mom and changed my life forever.  I miss him more than I could ever describe in words.  Two years and eight months is a long time without holding Carter.

I can do one more day.....one step at a time......I choose to take it with God.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Jesus.  Thank You for your promises of Heaven and Eternal Life.  Thank You that I will see my precious boy again.  Amen.

New Heaven and New Earth

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared.  And the sea was also gone.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

 

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look, God's home is now among his people!  He will live with them, and they will be his people.  God himself will be with them.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever." 

 

And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!"  And then he said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."  And he also said, "It is finished!  I am the Alpha and the Omega - the Beginning and the End.  To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life.  All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings and I will be their God, and they will be my children."  Revelation 21:1-7

 

God's words -- are, and will always be, our comfort and our hope.  The pain in today's world, is not the last word - God has written the final chapter.  This is our hope - the final chapter!  Looking forward to true fulfillment and eternal joy.  Eternity with God will be more wonderful than we could ever imagine.

 

Our strength comes from God alone.  It is He, who reminds us that we will have eternity with Him and will be in His presence forever!

 

His Divine Power

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog- it's here a little while, then it's gone."  James 4:14

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."   ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

 

 

 

Love, love, love the song, "Power of Your Name", Lincoln Brewster:

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3adFUYibqk

 

 

 

Heavenly Vision

 

 

 

 

"To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here."  ~Jonathan Edwards

 



 

 

 

"So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:18

 

 



"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands."  2 Corinthians 5:1

 



"So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing.  Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord."  2 Corinthians 5:6-8

Life on this earth is but a moment compared to eternity.

 



July

7/1/13
Today starts the beginning of the month of July.  I would normally be planning one of our favorite birthday parties - Carter's birthday.  He had the best birthday....a summer birthday, when the weather is good and the ideas seemed unlimited.  We could be outside....be at a pool...at a park...maybe a picnic....grilling out....water sprinkler....water guns....water balloons....  So many ideas.  So many memories of Carter's birthday that it hurts just to be in the month of July. 

As I look at the calendar each day, I am reminded of this.  It feels like a "countdown" to the day that I once looked forward to - the birthday party that I can't plan for anymore.  I think about Carter's 10th birthday and then his 11th birthday, that we didn't get to see.  This July brings another birthday for Carter.  He would be turning 12 years old.

I think about him all of the time....what would he look like at the age of 12?  How tall would he be?  What would his voice sound like?  What did his voice sound like?  Some days it is hard to remember.  God blesses us with times of hearing Carter's voice when Bradley talks.  Or Bradley will make a particular noise when he is playing and it sounds just like Carter.  How I love to hear, what I think, sounds like Carter.  And how it hurts to hear it, too, and not have him with us.

I see other children at the age of 12 and I wonder....."Would Carter be that tall?"; "What would he be into...what hobbies would he have....what sports would he like?";  "Would we still have our close connection?"  I like to think that we would.  "Would we still look at each other, with a  funny smile, when Bradley was in one of his moods?"  (smile).  And then Carter would step in to help -- the protective big brother that he was.  I day dream and imagine Carter still with us.  How different our lives would be with him here.  Bradley continues to talk about him through out the day.  Not one day has passed when he hasn't brought up Carter's name or thanked God for him.  I praise God that He allowed Bradley to hold onto the memories that he had with his brother.  All the times they shared together, Bradley remembers them!  I think back to when I was five years old, and anytime before that, I don't have many memories.  But Bradley recalls a memory with Carter on a daily basis.  And it is a blessing to hear the memories.  Even I have forgotten some of them, or they have been too painful to remember.  Then I hear Bradley's little voice...

"Mom, remember when me and Carter......"; or "Mom, remember when Carter....."; or "Mom, Carter would..." - then he goes on to share the memory that he had or share what he thinks Carter would like if he was still with us.  My heart is so warmed by this, and at the same time, the ache can be so piercing.

It is through the pain that I truly see God's grace.  I feel God carrying me through it.  I have never felt Him as close as I have during my greatest suffering.  I cling to Him, crying out as I go about my day.  I tell Him all of my fears and all of my pain.  I find comfort in His words and promises to us.  I remind myself that His son, Jesus, died so that I could live -- so that Carter could live.  I know that God wants us to live with Him where there is no pain, no sadness, and no death.

I don't deserve the gifts God has given me.  This is His grace and mercy on us.  And I will forever be grateful.  Nine beautiful years with my son, Carter.  I praise God for those years.  Every day, I get to look into the eyes of my surviving son, Bradley, and see God's love for us.  I praise God that Bradley survived the accident, and I pray for His protection over him.  I pray that he may live a long life, loving the Lord with all of his heart, his soul and his mind.  And I think of Jacob, too, who also lives with Jesus.  Because of God's grace, Carter and Jacob are alive with Him. 

 

I try to journal Bradley's comments about Carter and Jesus and Heaven........"

June 25 - "I just wish I knew what Carter was doing...."

June 22 - "Carter's work was all done here on earth.  But my work is not.  God still has work for me to do!"

June 18 - "Did Carter like school?  He is lucky that he doesn't have to be in school anymore."

May 9 - After a conversation about Bradley's interest in semi trucks - I told Bradley that Carter was not into semi trucks like he is.  Bradley asked me what Carter was into.  I told him that he was more into animals, science things and the outside world.  I hold him that he wanted to take care of animals and be a veterinarian.  I included that Carter and Abby were going to open a vet shop together.  Bradley's eyes perked up and said, "Oh yeah!  I remember!  Carter wanted a pet shop!"  Then he said, "I bet he is taking care of animals now!!"  I agreed and told Bradley that he is probably taking care of all the animals that go to Heaven.  Praise the Lord for the hope that He gives us!

May 4 - Bradley had his karate tournament.  On the way home, he said, "I wish Carter could have seen me today."

March 6 - Playing a math game and the number eleven came up.  Bradley shouted "Carter's age!!!"

January 24 - Bradley and I were making a lemon cake (Carter's favorite flavor), and I said that Carter would love this cake.  Bradley said, "He's having some right now!"

Bradley's baseball team this year was named the "Tigers" with orange uniforms.  We are blessed with all the orange colors that surround us.

"While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life."  2 Corinthians 5:4
 
God has planted eternity in the human heart.  God has planted eternity in our hearts.

Click on the link below to listen to:  "Worn" - Tenth Avenue North
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDqj-kIL8s


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ty4XdHLzVbk