The glory of God shines most brightly in the glory of His grace
November 16, 2011
I am a mother who lost her 9 year old son on the way to school one morning, in a horrific car accident. My 5 year old son, 4 years at the time, saw his brother die in the backseat of the car with him. I am a bereaved parent. We are a bereaved family.
What has God revealed to me after one year of suffering? Too much to put on paper, but I will share with you where I saw His Light during the darkest time of my life.
I became a new follower of Jesus in my mid-to-late 20’s. Chad and I were Baptized in 2007, as Carter and Bradley watched when we symbolized our faith in our loving Savior. After the accident, I needed to know God more than what I already knew. I needed to know (and believe) the Truth -- God’s Words -- His Promises. God truly spoke to me through His words in the Bible. I had been reading the Bible about ten years before the accident, but the Bible came alive to me like never before. I began to seek an intimate relationship with the Lord like never before. I found myself begging for God to help me….I was so lonely……so weary. Grief is intense loneliness. Missing Carter is intense loneliness.
I cannot do this without God. I am not strong enough to face Carter’s death without being held by God, every day. God is in me and with me. I thought I was dependent on the Lord before I lost Carter, but I didn’t have a clue.
I have learned to comfort myself with the Promises of God, which are solid and sure and good. I wanted to experience the presence of God in my life in a way that I never had before. God speaking into our sorrow was the most comfort.
I know what it means and to experience God’s grace – every day!! God gives me enough grace to go from breakfast to bedtime without seeing Carter. I cannot think about years to come without seeing him – it overwhelms me and I drown myself in tears. But God gives me enough grace each day to do what He has called me to do. God gives me the grace to accept Carter’s death and also to be faithful to Him as I grieve my loss. This is a gift only God can give. God keeps us loving and following Him even if His plan is not our plan.
We raise our boys to know Jesus and to give the comfort of Heaven to them some day, but I honestly didn’t give much thought to Heaven before Carter died. I believed in it and also found comfort in it, but I didn’t long for it. My family was right here, next to me, on earth. My focus was here on earth – on what we can see and touch. But all that changes when you lose a child. Then, Heaven matters --- a lot! Now our focus is on our life to come. Losing Carter has geared us to fully live a life for Christ, with our remaining time here on earth. True faith is what we cannot see.
Through suffering, God changes us and I am thankful that it is for the better. It is to leave our selfish desires behind and to fully turn to Christ and live for Him. We can never go back to how it was. This is what God has for us now. God has revealed to me a life that follows Him and to live out His will, not mine.
Through suffering, it takes my eyes off of earthly comforts and strengthens my faith to completely depend on God. I can see God taking care of us. It is the dark valleys where your faith really develops and you feel God’s presence completely surrounding you. Through God, I find hope. He is everything I need. In life changing events, the Lord is there no matter what. God remains unchanged, loving, and present in our lives.
It’s been a blessing to share a connection with Jesus that we’ve never had before, because we’ve been able to share in His sufferings.
Accepting the unexpected death of a child calls for completely trusting God’s plan. This is not easy; and I have to surrender this to God every morning. It calls for a faith that submits in God’s sure purposes for suffering in this life – and His sure promises of the life to come
We now live one day at time. We do not plan for years to come, like we once did. We don’t have enough strength for the years to come, but God grants us strength for just one day and tomorrow we will go to Him for more.
God will provide everything we need, and will use this loss for good in all of our lives.
The most normal place that I feel is in a room with other grieving people. It makes me feel normal. Then I don’t feel so crazy. I have learned through my grief counseling -- It’s okay on some days to be sad; it’s okay on some days to feel good; it’s okay on some days to hide; it’s okay on some days to engage; it’s okay on some days to be weak; and it’s okay on some days to be strong.
In living for Christ, we believe that having “less is more” (Laurie Marshall, Sister-in-Christ). Our real treasures are in Heaven. I want to slow down and enjoy my family and my time with Jesus. I want to be there for my husband and my son.
God has opened our eyes, heart and mind to see Him all around us – enough to see things that He shows us Carter also lives in us. We see some pretty amazing things at just the right time! Then Bradley will say, “Jesus gave that to us because Carter is here!” Orange things have popped up where one would least expect it ….. and ducks ….. and butterflies ….. The song, “Mighty to Save”, seems to come on when we most need it or when Bradley needs to know that Carter is with him.
Then the brutal question comes of, “How many kids do you have?”, or “Do you have just the one son?” My initial instinct wants to walk away from the question and say, “This is not my life. If you only knew our family before…” But I know God wants me to be strong, and as I still shake and my voice quivers when I answer their question with the words- “I have a son that is forever 9 in Heaven and a son that is 5 in Kindergarten.” I then give praise to God for giving me those words. Carter will always be recognized and part of our family, even as the years go on, because God has blessed us with two beautiful sons that love Jesus.
Our conversations with family and friends have changed. Instead of talking about “earthly” things that we once talked about, we find ourselves talking about life and death and faith. We find ourselves talking about our life to come with Jesus. Everywhere I go and people I see, I wonder……do they know Jesus? I feel compelled at every conversation to bring the most important person in my life – Jesus – into the conversation. With strangers, I feel compelled to talk about Jesus and what He has done for us before I can walk away from them. If they don’t know Jesus, it hurts my heart to walk away from them without sharing how much He loves us.
We talk openly about Carter. We think about Carter from the time we get up in the morning until we rest at night. This has changed over the year in a way that now when we think about Carter, it also includes Jesus, Heaven, and our life to come - from the time we get up in the morning until we rest at night -- it is still all that we think about. Each step we take and everything that we do, we ask ourselves if this is pleasing and good to God. It is so comforting to know that we will all be together one day in Heaven because we all know and love the Lord. Please talk about Carter to us – tell us the memories and stories that you have of him. We welcome it and want to hear his name!
Each morning, I am weak, as I face reality that Carter is no longer here. I go to God and pour my broken heart to Him, asking for strength to get through the day and do His will. He is by my side, holding me up and answers my prayer for strength. Through God, I am starting to sleep better at night. Through God, I get a couple hours of sleep at a time without waking and feel more rested in the morning. Praise God!
I am learning to live with the pain. God is helping me do this. “The reality is that the intensity of grief lessens but it never ends. It will always be a part of who you are.” (“When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One – Finding Hope Together”, Dave & Nancy Guthrie).
“Our pain and suffering may or may not be relieved in this life, but they will certainly be relieved in the life to come.” (“50 Day of Heaven, Reflections that Bring Eternity to Light”, Randy Alcorn)
How do I find relief in the midst of my pain? Serving others is what I find to soothe my enormous ache inside me. I want to spend my time on earth serving out of love for God and for others. I want to spend my time working to be like Christ: being humble, obedient, faithful, serving, submission to the Father’s will, patient, and building the faith of others.
I believe our only true hope is to depend on God in our suffering and He will help us. We have a Savior who understands our suffering, loves us beyond our belief, and has prepared a glorious and eternal future for us. He gives us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter and our Guide as we struggle through this fallen world. Our true strength and our true hope is in Him.
God is renewing, reeducating and redirecting my mind : “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2
Our fondest hope for our boys is that they would love God first – that they would grow up knowing how to love and give of themselves to others, and that one day they would achieve Heaven. Carter has fulfilled our desires for Him, and he has become everything that we could hope for. Because Carter did keep God number one in his life, and asked Jesus to live in his heart, we know Carter is now in Heaven with Jesus. Our hearts break because he has gone to Heaven before us, however, our hearts rejoice knowing we will see him again one day.
“Being with Him won’t simply be better than life here, but better by far. So we don’t consider it a lack of love on God’s part, or a failure of faith on ours, when He takes one of His own to be with Him. We just feel sad that we are not there with Him yet.” (“When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One – Finding Hope Together”, Dave & Nancy Guthrie)
After one year of not being able to hold Carter and smell his hair, the pain of his absence is indescribable. I don’t have the words of how excruciating this is for me. As I am flat on my face, I can only trust God in this - He will see me through it - and believe that what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.
Missing our precious Carter Mike so much, as he celebrates one year with Jesus. We love him so much! We pray my brother can one day celebrate his birthday again on this day, with joy. We love you, Jamie.
12 months since Carter went Home
November 16, 2011
I am a mother who lost her 9 year old son on the way to school one morning, in a horrific car accident. My 5 year old son, 4 years at the time, saw his brother die in the backseat of the car with him. I am a bereaved parent. We are a bereaved family.
What has God revealed to me after one year of suffering? Too much to put on paper, but I will share with you where I saw His Light during the darkest time of my life.
I became a new follower of Jesus in my mid-to-late 20’s. Chad and I were Baptized in 2007, as Carter and Bradley watched when we symbolized our faith in our loving Savior. After the accident, I needed to know God more than what I already knew. I needed to know (and believe) the Truth -- God’s Words -- His Promises. God truly spoke to me through His words in the Bible. I had been reading the Bible about ten years before the accident, but the Bible came alive to me like never before. I began to seek an intimate relationship with the Lord like never before. I found myself begging for God to help me….I was so lonely……so weary. Grief is intense loneliness. Missing Carter is intense loneliness.
I cannot do this without God. I am not strong enough to face Carter’s death without being held by God, every day. God is in me and with me. I thought I was dependent on the Lord before I lost Carter, but I didn’t have a clue.
I have learned to comfort myself with the Promises of God, which are solid and sure and good. I wanted to experience the presence of God in my life in a way that I never had before. God speaking into our sorrow was the most comfort.
I know what it means and to experience God’s grace – every day!! God gives me enough grace to go from breakfast to bedtime without seeing Carter. I cannot think about years to come without seeing him – it overwhelms me and I drown myself in tears. But God gives me enough grace each day to do what He has called me to do. God gives me the grace to accept Carter’s death and also to be faithful to Him as I grieve my loss. This is a gift only God can give. God keeps us loving and following Him even if His plan is not our plan.
We raise our boys to know Jesus and to give the comfort of Heaven to them some day, but I honestly didn’t give much thought to Heaven before Carter died. I believed in it and also found comfort in it, but I didn’t long for it. My family was right here, next to me, on earth. My focus was here on earth – on what we can see and touch. But all that changes when you lose a child. Then, Heaven matters --- a lot! Now our focus is on our life to come. Losing Carter has geared us to fully live a life for Christ, with our remaining time here on earth. True faith is what we cannot see.
Through suffering, God changes us and I am thankful that it is for the better. It is to leave our selfish desires behind and to fully turn to Christ and live for Him. We can never go back to how it was. This is what God has for us now. God has revealed to me a life that follows Him and to live out His will, not mine.
Through suffering, it takes my eyes off of earthly comforts and strengthens my faith to completely depend on God. I can see God taking care of us. It is the dark valleys where your faith really develops and you feel God’s presence completely surrounding you. Through God, I find hope. He is everything I need. In life changing events, the Lord is there no matter what. God remains unchanged, loving, and present in our lives.
It’s been a blessing to share a connection with Jesus that we’ve never had before, because we’ve been able to share in His sufferings.
Accepting the unexpected death of a child calls for completely trusting God’s plan. This is not easy; and I have to surrender this to God every morning. It calls for a faith that submits in God’s sure purposes for suffering in this life – and His sure promises of the life to come
We now live one day at time. We do not plan for years to come, like we once did. We don’t have enough strength for the years to come, but God grants us strength for just one day and tomorrow we will go to Him for more.
God will provide everything we need, and will use this loss for good in all of our lives.
The most normal place that I feel is in a room with other grieving people. It makes me feel normal. Then I don’t feel so crazy. I have learned through my grief counseling -- It’s okay on some days to be sad; it’s okay on some days to feel good; it’s okay on some days to hide; it’s okay on some days to engage; it’s okay on some days to be weak; and it’s okay on some days to be strong.
In living for Christ, we believe that having “less is more” (Laurie Marshall, Sister-in-Christ). Our real treasures are in Heaven. I want to slow down and enjoy my family and my time with Jesus. I want to be there for my husband and my son.
God has opened our eyes, heart and mind to see Him all around us – enough to see things that He shows us Carter also lives in us. We see some pretty amazing things at just the right time! Then Bradley will say, “Jesus gave that to us because Carter is here!” Orange things have popped up where one would least expect it ….. and ducks ….. and butterflies ….. The song, “Mighty to Save”, seems to come on when we most need it or when Bradley needs to know that Carter is with him.
Then the brutal question comes of, “How many kids do you have?”, or “Do you have just the one son?” My initial instinct wants to walk away from the question and say, “This is not my life. If you only knew our family before…” But I know God wants me to be strong, and as I still shake and my voice quivers when I answer their question with the words- “I have a son that is forever 9 in Heaven and a son that is 5 in Kindergarten.” I then give praise to God for giving me those words. Carter will always be recognized and part of our family, even as the years go on, because God has blessed us with two beautiful sons that love Jesus.
Our conversations with family and friends have changed. Instead of talking about “earthly” things that we once talked about, we find ourselves talking about life and death and faith. We find ourselves talking about our life to come with Jesus. Everywhere I go and people I see, I wonder……do they know Jesus? I feel compelled at every conversation to bring the most important person in my life – Jesus – into the conversation. With strangers, I feel compelled to talk about Jesus and what He has done for us before I can walk away from them. If they don’t know Jesus, it hurts my heart to walk away from them without sharing how much He loves us.
We talk openly about Carter. We think about Carter from the time we get up in the morning until we rest at night. This has changed over the year in a way that now when we think about Carter, it also includes Jesus, Heaven, and our life to come - from the time we get up in the morning until we rest at night -- it is still all that we think about. Each step we take and everything that we do, we ask ourselves if this is pleasing and good to God. It is so comforting to know that we will all be together one day in Heaven because we all know and love the Lord. Please talk about Carter to us – tell us the memories and stories that you have of him. We welcome it and want to hear his name!
Each morning, I am weak, as I face reality that Carter is no longer here. I go to God and pour my broken heart to Him, asking for strength to get through the day and do His will. He is by my side, holding me up and answers my prayer for strength. Through God, I am starting to sleep better at night. Through God, I get a couple hours of sleep at a time without waking and feel more rested in the morning. Praise God!
I am learning to live with the pain. God is helping me do this. “The reality is that the intensity of grief lessens but it never ends. It will always be a part of who you are.” (“When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One – Finding Hope Together”, Dave & Nancy Guthrie).
“Our pain and suffering may or may not be relieved in this life, but they will certainly be relieved in the life to come.” (“50 Day of Heaven, Reflections that Bring Eternity to Light”, Randy Alcorn)
How do I find relief in the midst of my pain? Serving others is what I find to soothe my enormous ache inside me. I want to spend my time on earth serving out of love for God and for others. I want to spend my time working to be like Christ: being humble, obedient, faithful, serving, submission to the Father’s will, patient, and building the faith of others.
I believe our only true hope is to depend on God in our suffering and He will help us. We have a Savior who understands our suffering, loves us beyond our belief, and has prepared a glorious and eternal future for us. He gives us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter and our Guide as we struggle through this fallen world. Our true strength and our true hope is in Him.
God is renewing, reeducating and redirecting my mind : “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2
Our fondest hope for our boys is that they would love God first – that they would grow up knowing how to love and give of themselves to others, and that one day they would achieve Heaven. Carter has fulfilled our desires for Him, and he has become everything that we could hope for. Because Carter did keep God number one in his life, and asked Jesus to live in his heart, we know Carter is now in Heaven with Jesus. Our hearts break because he has gone to Heaven before us, however, our hearts rejoice knowing we will see him again one day.
“Being with Him won’t simply be better than life here, but better by far. So we don’t consider it a lack of love on God’s part, or a failure of faith on ours, when He takes one of His own to be with Him. We just feel sad that we are not there with Him yet.” (“When Your Family’s Lost a Loved One – Finding Hope Together”, Dave & Nancy Guthrie)
After one year of not being able to hold Carter and smell his hair, the pain of his absence is indescribable. I don’t have the words of how excruciating this is for me. As I am flat on my face, I can only trust God in this - He will see me through it - and believe that what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.
Missing our precious Carter Mike so much, as he celebrates one year with Jesus. We love him so much! We pray my brother can one day celebrate his birthday again on this day, with joy. We love you, Jamie.
12 months since Carter went Home
Click on the link below for "I Can Only Imagine", MercyMe
14 comments:
Thank you, Nicole, for your willingness to speak out and speak up for Jesus while trying continuously to breathe with a very broken heart...ONLY God! Jesus shines so brightly in you and your whole family! Praising His Name and praying you will see Him and glimpses of Carter's love all around you...extra-specially today. People from miles and miles around are praying and loving you and your precious Carter today...and forever.
"Faith goes up the stairs that love has built." C. Spurgeon
"The Lord is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, responsibility]! Habakkuk 3:19
Love & Lots of Hugs from The Hahn Family
Remembering Carter today and everyday...God bless you all.
Your sister in Christ, Amy
Your words are beautiful, heart-breaking, and full of hope. I know Carter is proud of you. Missing that kid so much! We love you guys!
Your words are beautiful but make my heart hurt. We think of Carter often and we continue to keep all of you in our prayers. Thinking of all of you today and always...
Love, Ann
Thinking of your family yesterday, today, and tomorrow
I want you to know that I am here.....but I don't have words to write.....just sharing in your grief....
Thinking of you all today and always.....God Bless you!
Love from the Radles
Hi Nicole,
Hello again honey..its Melanie and Kaitlynn...
We sat and talked today and Kaity found her Carter box. She opened it up and was looking through the pictures and then she put her hand over her mouth and a tear rolled down her cheek. I asked her what was wrong and she said "Today is the anniversary of Carter dying and i never got a chance to ever really say goodbye and tell him how much i love him." Then she closed the book and wiped her tears away as if she wanted to shut it away again..but i told her to be open and tell me how she was feeling inside..she told me that she wishes she would have gotten to spend more time with him and that she wishes she could be there for you and Bradley more often..So i told her that God has Carter in his home now and he is well taken care of..and that you always have us in your prayers as we have you in ours. She smiled and said that knowing that Carter is dancing in Heaven with the Lord is the only reason she shuts her sadness away. She said he is lucky to be up with Jesus..she just wishes she had more time with him.
How sad it is to lose someone so special and sweet..and i dont know how you have coped for so long Nicole. We adore you and we keep you in our thoughts and prayers every day. I have a picture of you and the family on my bookshelf in my room so i see you every night before i go to sleep and every day as i wake up..and at each time i pray for you. I also listen to Kaity's stories about Carter all the time..she still talks about him everyday.
Please get ahold of us Nicole. We miss you so much. We love you dearly and im so sorry we have not written or called. Our phone number is 262-458-2110. We moved to Whitewater Wisconsin. So i dont know if we are closer to you now or not..we have no car to come out and see you..it broke down but we do miss you guys very much. I truly hope you are doing ok..please be safe and feel free to contact us. We love you!
Dear Dorwin family I have no idea what you are dealing with today for I have never lost a child. I am just here to say what a beaufitul inspiration you are to anyone, whther they have lost a loved one or are just searching for some truth in their life. Carter loved the Lord more than anyone in his life and you taught him to live his life this way. What a wonderful mother,, woman and friend you are. My poor sweet Kaity still suffers with grief and we haven't gotten her to any counseling which I think she could use right now. I read it can take 3-5 yrs to finally accept and come to terms with the loss.That is a long time to hurt so deepley. I am hoping you are finding some joy again in life with Bradley and others. Chad we sometimes forget you in this tragedy but do know I pray for you also since you lost your fishing buddy and oldest most wonderful son. Carter is with the best fisher of men ever. I am forever thinking of all of you and dear sweet Carter. God holds him close now and this is your comfort. God bless Dorwins,
Marlene Jones
Beautifully written, Nicole. My earnest prayers are being answered as I see God's loving, redeeming work taking place. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and God's love.
I pray Numbers 6:24-26 over you. I have been blessed by your pouring of your heart in your blog. You are so transparent, I can see God's molding you. And your love for His Word. :)
kimberlee
Dorwins,
Maybe you have heard this one already, but I love this new song by Building 429 "Where I Belong". It makes me think of you and Carter and pray. MayGod Bless you in the new year...Your sister in Christ, Amy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOtsB4O1p3o&feature=related
Hi Nicole, its Melanie and kaity again. I finally got the message u left on my phone. Please try me on my new cell. 262-903-1363. Kaity and I miss U so much. Love always. Melanie and kaity.
Nicole, shoot me an email. I don't have your email address anymore. marcycasey@aol.com
We should get together for lunch. I am sure Mayla and Bradley would get along great.
Marcy
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