Happy 12th Birthday, Carter!

We come this morning – like empty pitchers to a full fountain, with no merits of our own, O Lord – open up a window of heaven… and listen this morning. 
~James Weldon Johnson

 

 

 The anticipation of Carter’s birthday and his Heaven date is hard.  Tomorrow would be Carter’s 12^th birthday.  I feel like I should be having a party to “celebrate” Carter’s life – honoring his memory.  Some days I feel like I could do it - put on a party with our family and our Brothers & Sisters in Christ to celebrate Carter’s life here on earth, and keep his memories alive.  Then, as the days lead up to the actual day, they become more and more difficult.  I guess I am not ready to put on a party.  Some day, though, I would like to think that I could do it.

 

There are grief triggers everywhere this time of year, leading up to the beautiful season of Fall…..into November.  They are impossible to avoid.  Summer vacation, the fireworks, the hot sunny days, the beach, the swimming pools, the bike rides, the many walks with Toby, the picnics, etc., etc.  Then, the hopeful celebration of Carter’s birthday comes, followed by his Heaven anniversary date.

 

Everything is different.  Most of life since the accident, seemed like I was just taking the steps needed to get through the day and give Bradley a normal, a normal as possible, life.  No more of my boys at the beach, swimming at the swimming pool, packing lunches for picnics, attending family gatherings…..no more of Carter reading to Bradley, staying up late together, movie nights, planning birthday parties, boys giggling, boys getting into trouble, boys fighting with each other….  Only new experiences together as bereaved parents and sibling.  A new location, new people, new restaurants, new experiences – all without Carter.  Many fewer friends.  Lots and lots of tears – and overwhelming feelings of guilt, isolation, and loneliness.

 

“O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you.  Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.”  Isaiah 33:2

 

Summer vacation has changed greatly for us.  A time that we once enjoyed very much, we now find ourselves picking and choosing the events that we can do with Bradley, alone.  We find ourselves avoiding some of the activities that we once loved to do with our boys.  You see, Bradley is not as “independent” as Carter was.  Carter could get up and go - and do just about anything and enjoy the things God has given us.  Carter could enjoy the day whether he was with us, with friends, or just hanging out by himself.  It must be the first child thing of learning to be content when you are by yourself.  He was an only child for 4 ½ years and only knew life as an only child….that is, until his brother came along.  Bradley, on the other hand, only knew life with his big brother and was constantly entertained by him.  Bradley enjoyed hanging out with Carter, and Carter’s friends, and enjoyed the fun life of a boy!  Bradley doesn’t enjoy, as much, hanging out with his mom, like Carter did.

 

So, now swimming in the summer doesn’t happen as often, as it once did.  If we go swimming, I have to prepare myself to be Bradley’s swimming buddy in the pool.  Or we have to make sure that we have a friend or a cousin to go with us. 

 

Going to the beach was another fun summer event that has changed greatly for us.  It was a time when I could be in the warm, cozy sand and watch my boys build sand castles, collect sea shells and other treasures, and swim with their cute little goggles on.  I remember sitting in the sun, watching them play, Carter guiding Bradley all along the way – myself, repeatedly looking up to the sky, closing my eyes and praising God for my precious blessings.  It is now something that we rarely do.  That is, unless we are with friends or cousins to do it with. 

 

This summer marks the first summer that we went to a Fair since we took the boys to the Walworth County Fair.  I dreaded going, but I felt it was a good thing for Bradley, as I knew he would like it; and he had a buddy with him that day.  To my surprise, Bradley recalled almost every little detail of the very last trip we took to the Fair with Carter.  The rides, the food, the games – all triggered his memory, and he shared with me all that he remembered.  This was such a blessing to me!  To be able to hear his sweet memories of him and Carter, that I found myself at peace with just stepping foot at a Fair again.  Thank You, Jesus, for building me up and giving me the courage to take Bradley back to a Fair.  He had so much fun.

 

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

 

Going to fireworks on this 4^th of July was another step forward with God.  Our last outing of a late-night fireworks display was on our friends’ pontoon, out on the lake, with our boys and our good friends.  It was, once again, too different and too difficult going without Carter.  But, there we were, with Bradley blessing our hearts with his memories of him and Carter, and their last fireworks display together. 

 

Yes, summer is very different for us.  Awkward is another word to describe how it feels to go to different activities without my boys together.  For a younger brother who, at one time, couldn’t wait for his big brother to get home from a birthday party or from a friend’s house, has had to learn to be “content” with how life is without his brother.  He misses him terribly.  It is truly amazing the strength that God gives him.  It is truly amazing the people that God has brought into Bradley’s life.  We see joy in his heart again, he laughs and he gets excited to do things.  For a long time, Bradley did not want to leave the house because Carter was not with us.  We see God all around us and He continues to be faithful in our life.

 

Everyone told us that we would have a “new normal” life after Carter’s death.  I will be honest; I hated hearing those words……new normal.  I didn’t want a new normal – I wanted our life to be just as it was, with our family together and not broken.  I never wanted to say that our lives have accepted the new normal.  As time went on, as much as I didn’t want to accept the “new normal”, we had no other choice but to.  I don’t think I will ever call it the new normal, but we have accepted the plans that God has for us.  We have accepted to support and love Bradley through his pain.  We have accepted to leaving our house with one child and adapting to this as our family now.  We have not accepted it without pain, without tears, without suffering; but we have allowed ourselves to say, “okay”, to God and submit our lives to Him and His sovereignty that rules over all.  I don’t like to think that we are living in the new normal, but I guess I don’t know how else to explain our lives.  Through God, we have changed, transformed, accepted and continually adapt to our lives on a day to day basis.

 

In one of the books that I read on ‘grieving the loss of a child’, it talked about how we feel when troubles come our way.  The author explained our thoughts and how we think, “I don’t deserve this!”  But what would our life be like if we did get what we really deserved?  What would our life be like if it were not for the grace of God, for his mercy????  When we understand this, we see God’s love expressed in His grace and mercy to us.  We stand amazed at His love.  In the midst of our suffering, we’ve come to seek God in our complete brokenness.  For us, there is no comfort to be found away from God – only the truth of God’s Word.  We are called to submit to God’s plan – to trust Him in our sorrow and difficulty and disappointment.  Submission, to me, has meant a quiet, humbling, sorrowful acceptance of God’s plan and His timing.  This, too, has changed the way I view life, what really is important in this life, my purpose here, how I want to live out the remaining time that I have, to let go of my own desires, and to humble myself to God’s calling.  We have had to give up the plans we had for Carter, for our family, for my life and give them all to God.  This is something that I submit to every day – it hasn’t gotten easier.  This is a daily submission for me, to let go of my dreams and my desires, as I see other boys the age Carter would have been.  As we seek to find God in the midst of our pain, the message is always the same – Jesus.  Jesus is coming!  Don’t be afraid as we face the future.

 

“I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.  Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!”  Psalm 116:1-2

 

Carter would be turning 12 years old on July 27, 2013.  Why does this year, this age, seem so hard?  I love to think of my boys at the age of 12 and 7 ½ .  Our plans for our boys had been very different than our current situation.  Bradley is now old enough to do some of things that we once talked about doing with the boys.  But we were waiting, a little while longer for Bradley to get older.  As I think about Carter turning 12, I miss him terribly.  I miss him with all my heart and all my soul.  It makes me sad that I can’t see Carter grow up.  I think about him in everything that we do – he is not with us anymore – and I still look for him at times.  But God does know how I feel. He lost His son, too.  And He shows me every day how much He loves me and how much He loves Carter.  He shows me how much He loves our family.  I see Him as I read the Bible, as I pray, in nature, and the people that He brings in my life.  God’s arms are around me.  I could not do this without God.  I could not do this without knowing His Words and Promises for us.  I could not do this without a relationship with Jesus.  I could not do this without knowing the life of Jesus – our suffering Savior.  I can’t imagine my life without Jesus.  He suffered for me.  He suffered for Carter.  He is my Redeemer.  My prayer is that God will take the pieces of my broken life and make something beautiful out of them.  This is my hope.  I want to live my life to glorify Him.
 

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” 
Lamentations 3:22-23

 

Happy 12^th Birthday, Carter!  I love you and I miss you so much.  I am so thankful for your life and for the person you are.  You have an amazing heart and we had an amazing bond.  I can’t wait to have it again with you!  God helps me to accept that we will never share the life I dreamed of.  But God also shows me that you are very much alive with Him, and still very much a part of me.  We had an incredible bond to break, and I hope that you can still feel how deep my love is for you.  I pray that you are celebrating your birthday in Heaven.  I so look forward to the day when I can celebrate it with you again.  I love you sweet boy!

 

“Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy.  May your Kingdom come soon.  May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.”  Matthew 6:9-10

 

~Jesus, we will take up our cross and follow You….

 

 

 

Click on the link to listen to, "Lord, I need You", by Matt Maher:

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU39CcnBBBs

 

 

Click on the link to view a Smilebox Scrapbook:

 

http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d7a63304e5441314e54493d0d0a&blogview=true