7/1/13
Today starts the beginning of the month of July. I would normally be planning one of our favorite birthday parties - Carter's birthday. He had the best birthday....a summer birthday, when the weather is good and the ideas seemed unlimited. We could be outside....be at a pool...at a park...maybe a picnic....grilling out....water sprinkler....water guns....water balloons.... So many ideas. So many memories of Carter's birthday that it hurts just to be in the month of July.
As I look at the calendar each day, I am reminded of this. It feels like a "countdown" to the day that I once looked forward to - the birthday party that I can't plan for anymore. I think about Carter's 10th birthday and then his 11th birthday, that we didn't get to see. This July brings another birthday for Carter. He would be turning 12 years old.
I think about him all of the time....what would he look like at the age of 12? How tall would he be? What would his voice sound like? What did his voice sound like? Some days it is hard to remember. God blesses us with times of hearing Carter's voice when Bradley talks. Or Bradley will make a particular noise when he is playing and it sounds just like Carter. How I love to hear, what I think, sounds like Carter. And how it hurts to hear it, too, and not have him with us.
I see other children at the age of 12 and I wonder....."Would Carter be that tall?"; "What would he be into...what hobbies would he have....what sports would he like?"; "Would we still have our close connection?" I like to think that we would. "Would we still look at each other, with a funny smile, when Bradley was in one of his moods?" (smile). And then Carter would step in to help -- the protective big brother that he was. I day dream and imagine Carter still with us. How different our lives would be with him here. Bradley continues to talk about him through out the day. Not one day has passed when he hasn't brought up Carter's name or thanked God for him. I praise God that He allowed Bradley to hold onto the memories that he had with his brother. All the times they shared together, Bradley remembers them! I think back to when I was five years old, and anytime before that, I don't have many memories. But Bradley recalls a memory with Carter on a daily basis. And it is a blessing to hear the memories. Even I have forgotten some of them, or they have been too painful to remember. Then I hear Bradley's little voice...
"Mom, remember when me and Carter......"; or "Mom, remember when Carter....."; or "Mom, Carter would..." - then he goes on to share the memory that he had or share what he thinks Carter would like if he was still with us. My heart is so warmed by this, and at the same time, the ache can be so piercing.
It is through the pain that I truly see God's grace. I feel God carrying me through it. I have never felt Him as close as I have during my greatest suffering. I cling to Him, crying out as I go about my day. I tell Him all of my fears and all of my pain. I find comfort in His words and promises to us. I remind myself that His son, Jesus, died so that I could live -- so that Carter could live. I know that God wants us to live with Him where there is no pain, no sadness, and no death.
I don't deserve the gifts God has given me. This is His grace and mercy on us. And I will forever be grateful. Nine beautiful years with my son, Carter. I praise God for those years. Every day, I get to look into the eyes of my surviving son, Bradley, and see God's love for us. I praise God that Bradley survived the accident, and I pray for His protection over him. I pray that he may live a long life, loving the Lord with all of his heart, his soul and his mind. And I think of Jacob, too, who also lives with Jesus. Because of God's grace, Carter and Jacob are alive with Him.
June 25 - "I just wish I knew what Carter was doing...."
June 22 - "Carter's work was all done here on earth. But my work is not. God still has work for me to do!"
June 18 - "Did Carter like school? He is lucky that he doesn't have to be in school anymore."
May 9 - After a conversation about Bradley's interest in semi trucks - I told Bradley that Carter was not into semi trucks like he is. Bradley asked me what Carter was into. I told him that he was more into animals, science things and the outside world. I hold him that he wanted to take care of animals and be a veterinarian. I included that Carter and Abby were going to open a vet shop together. Bradley's eyes perked up and said, "Oh yeah! I remember! Carter wanted a pet shop!" Then he said, "I bet he is taking care of animals now!!" I agreed and told Bradley that he is probably taking care of all the animals that go to Heaven. Praise the Lord for the hope that He gives us!
May 4 - Bradley had his karate tournament. On the way home, he said, "I wish Carter could have seen me today."
March 6 - Playing a math game and the number eleven came up. Bradley shouted "Carter's age!!!"
January 24 - Bradley and I were making a lemon cake (Carter's favorite flavor), and I said that Carter would love this cake. Bradley said, "He's having some right now!"
Bradley's baseball team this year was named the "Tigers" with orange uniforms. We are blessed with all the orange colors that surround us.
"While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life." 2 Corinthians 5:4
God has planted eternity in the human heart. God has planted eternity in our hearts.
Click on the link below to listen to: "Worn" - Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDqj-kIL8s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ty4XdHLzVbk
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