Thirteen Years Later.....

And this is why you don’t get in a car angry and drive off mad. If this post is too hard for viewing, please keep scrolling. Nine years old and his life here on earth was done. Nothing ever hurt more than losing Carter that day. Nothing will ever hurt more than this. No physical pain, no hard times in life, no injuries or illnesses, no stress or financial difficulties, nothing. Nothing ever compared to losing Carter. The loss of him goes deep; very deep. A bond he and I had, like no other. This has molded and shaped us very differently. Anxiety, depression, all escalated and is a continued battle as we get older. Learning to live with and manage through panic attacks and PTSD. It’s a good thing I have a pretty good sense of humor and can laugh when others are judging that I’m such a helicopter mom. I know that I am. There is a level of anxiety that some may never understand, thankfully. It’s OK. I know how this has changed me. This is what trauma looks like. And we now have some beautiful art work on our bodies in memory of Carter that the physical pain could mask our emotional pain for just a short time. And the One thing that didn’t change. The Rock that held us all together. The One who gave us strength every day to just breathe. Who was with us before, during the crash, and faithfully held us in His hands for more than a decade now, was and is our God. He continues to show his faithfulness over the years. I’ve come to love TobyMac’s song that he wrote after losing his first-born son, which is a testament of God’s Faithfulness.

”Life was so good
I'm not so sure we knew what we had
I'll never be the same man
I'll never feel like I felt before

But when my world broke into pieces

You were there faithfully

When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

 I've had a hard time

Findin' the blue in the skies above me
And if I'm keepin' it real
I've been half-faking the happy they see
I may look like the same man
But I'm half the man I was

In my darkest hour, You met me

So quietly, so gently
You said you'd never leave
And You stood by Your word
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word” ~TobyMac