November 16, 2017

November 16, 2017- Seven years without Carter

Today I can just be me…..sad, broken and lonely without my son. I don’t have to put on a front and hold it all together today. I don’t have to do life and push aside the pain that tears me apart inside. I can just be me with an overwhelming sadness and pain of losing Carter. I can let go of the uncomfortable feel and awkwardness of walking this journey, knowing what happened, what we saw, and what’s behind the smile on our faces. I don’t have to hide it today, and that’s okay. Few know the anxiety that now envelopes my life each day and the terror that overcomes me of my living children. The numerous nights each week that I wake up during the night, hit in the face with the reminder of what happened and reliving it over and over again.

After seven years, even our “good” days are still harder than you can imagine. A grief that lasts a lifetime – the missing of a child that you so badly want to hold…..just one more time. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to speak about Carter just as normally and naturally as I speak of Bradley and Zsolt.

Though I will grieve the death of Carter forever, I will cherish life. I now live and love deeper. Because I grieve, I know joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. I bonded with people that I didn’t even know, but we share a common bond of surviving life without our child.

I don’t remember a time when I’ve gotten mad at God, but I have questioned Him many times, trying to make sense of the why’s and asking, “why me, why us, why Carter?” I know we’ll never have those answers, but I am so very thankful for God giving us 9 years with Carter. I know God only gives us our children for a period of time and then takes them back. I know its God’s will and not ours. But He is the One who comforts and His word is our life preserver. God surrounds us with His love and keeps us a float no matter the storm in our life. I chose to do life with God. I believe in Him, in Heaven, and believe that Carter lives with Him. If I didn’t, I would have a long, hard life without any hope. It’s a life of living by faith and not by sight. So please, God, use my pain for Your glory.

“For we live by faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7