Six years ago today...

1. Six years ago today…..
   …was like any other school morning. The boys and I were on our way to school. I had FCCLA students ready to go on our field trip to Madison that morning. I had a little boy who did not want to get out of bed, like all the other mornings. To think how different our lives would have been if I had let him sleep for just five more minutes. On our way to school, we talked about our day and I reminded Carter that he had wrestling registration after sch...ool.
   

   I could see him coming….I could. I knew it was not good and I did not know what to do. He was coming at us so fast; faster than what I could process and think what to do. It happened so fast. I got over as far as I could get off the road. Last words that morning in the car, “Oh, dear God!”
   “What’s wrong, Mom?”, were the last words I heard from my son.
   All of our family dreams.…..shattered. Done. In the blink of an eye. Not only did Carter’s life end that morning, but so did ours’. A little brother who saw images of his older brother that no child should ever see….that no one should ever see.
   Flat on my face….Oh Lord, please pick up the shattered pieces of my heart – I cannot do this alone.
   As someone told me at Carter’s funeral, “Life goes on….” Yes, it sure does, but it is a life full of suffering, pain and just plain survival. And, yet, God calls us to do it. And each one of us had to find our own peace with it. Bradley spent about two years being angry. I wish there was a good way to explain death to a five-year-old. A mom who internally struggles every day that she could not protect her son. A dad who struggles internally every day that he could not protect his family. A family that lives without this precious boy. This is how life goes on. One day at a time.
   Thankfully, we are not alone. Without God, there would be nothing. No reason to live. We know differently. Our God has been with us through it all. We’ve seen Him slowly and gently picking up the pieces of our shattered lives. There’s a different kind of strength you find after you’ve survived something terrible. Even in our darkest times, the hope of Christ shines brighter. When we are weak, He is our strong comfort. When we are exhausted, He is our strength.
   “Hear my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping.” Psalm 39:12

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Happy Heavenly Birthday, Carter - 15 years!

My greatest blessing in life is becoming a mother. Fifteen years ago today, I was given the greatest blessing in my life - I became a mother. Our sweet Carter "Mike" entered into our world. This little guy rocked my world! I loved him to pieces. I love my kids so much its hard to live without one of them.

It's hard not to think about the things I should be doing - buying balloons, baking a cake, wrapping presents....

Birthdays are birthdays, and anniversaries are anniversaries. They are tough. There is no opting out no matter how hard you try. You can avoid the day as much as possible, but it is still going to come. I am sad today to be a bereaved mother.

Carter's life was cut way too short - at the age of nine....but his love lives on forever. And ever. And his love for Jesus touched the lives of so many!

There will never come a time where I won't think about who my son would be, what he would look like and how he would be. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and love Carter with all my heart and soul. I know he is safe in Jesus' arms and that brings me great comfort, but at the same time, we are hurting. There are no words to express the love of a child and the pain of losing one!

I am thankful God will be my strength today...and always. I am thankful God will hold me and carry me through this day and the days to come; as the pain we suffer is a pain for a lifetime.

I will stay close to God's promises, keep them close to my heart, and remind myself that He has good plans for our family. God is good and He has shown His faithfulness to us over and over again. I will find peace and comfort from Him and be thankful for Carter's life - for he was the most amazing kid ever! I am grateful the Lord saw fit to allow me to be Carter's mom. He has truly enriched my life.

Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet boy! Love you....miss you....can't wait to see you!!!

"For we walk by faith, not be sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7