Jesus is our Rock

I wish I had more time with Carter.  It didn't seem enough.  It hurts - my heart hurts and it cries. I miss him so much.  I want to hold him.  When I do get to see him again, I feel like I will never, ever let go of him.  I hope he is still nine, because that's how I remember him. With his big front teeth in his smile -- and that sparkle in his eye. That's how I see him in my mind. I miss his hair - I loved his thick hair. I miss all the moles on his body, especially the one on his face, right above his mouth. Sometimes I hear him in Bradley's voice, and I want him to be there.  It's hard to imagine what he would even be like at thirteen.  I don't know and it hurts not knowing. It's hard to imagine what it would even be like for him living here with us. We don't have those memories. Surrendering is hard.  I can't control it; I can't change it, but I want to. I want to go back and do it all over again. But I can't. Its hard to face birthdays and heaven days. To act like everything is ok and its not. Crying hurts - it hurts my body, makes me weak; it hurts my eyes, they throb; it hurts my head. I get headaches from it. These headaches will never go away.  Please, God, use my pain for Your glory. Use it to advance Your kingdom.

"My eyes strain to see your rescue, to see the truth of your promise fulfilled." Psalm 119:123

"I have suffered much, O Lord; restore my life again as you promised." Psalm 119:107

My best memories give shape to that hopeful future. Your memories - especially if you've lost a loved one, or your health, or your ability to think clearly - should inspire hope in you too. For as wonderful as the world was when all those special remembrances occurred....these things are only foreshadowings of more delightful, pleasurable experiences to come....Jesus assures us that our best memories will one day blossom into a more joyous reality that we ever imagine.

Joni Eareckson Tada

The Lord has blessed us with beautiful people in our lives.  I feel very grateful for the family and friends that have hung in there and who continue to hang in there with us. Some days we can be feeling very lifted.....filled with so much hope....feeling so good. The next day can hit us like a rock and the darkness comes in......overwhelming sadness, and a struggle to just get through the day...to even get out of bed in the morning.  Our bodies heavy, tired, and weary. We can't imagine having to talk to anyone or put a smile on our face.  I cry out..."Please, God, let me hear Your voice...Your truth....Your promises!" We know God is there, but we can't see Him. These ups and downs create drama, messiness, chaos in peoples lives.  And we are so very thankful for the ones who "get it", and can accept our brokenness, and love us right where we are.
Thank you! We love you!

"I rise early, before the sun is up; I cry out for help and put my hope in your words. I stay awake through the night, thinking about your promise." Psalm 119:147-148

I  know there is joy and hope even while we suffer. God will sustain us. Our hope is in the Lord.  Jesus is our hope! God's faithful love endures forever!